J as in Jail

______________________________

A friend will bail you out of jail at three in the morning. A true friend will be sitting next to you saying, “Boy, that was fun!”
_____________________________

Jail’s another topic that isn’t particularly funny: generally somone’s in jail because they deserve it (in which case they are bad people) or they don’t (in which case it’s a sad or unjust situation). Either way, it isn’t really something to laugh at.
On the other hand, confinement is certain to raise tensions—and as has been observed, raising the stakes has the potential to make something much funnier.
_____________________________

Waldo always had an artistic streak, and was always good with his hands. That’s why his fake $10 bills were so good. It took the Treasury department the better part of a year to track him down. But catch him they did, and Waldo was sentenced to 20 years in jail.

In prison, Waldo learned woodworking skills, and became an excellent cabinet maker and general carpenter. His work was in great demand among his fellow prisoners, and even the guards had him working for them. After a year or so, word of his skill reached the warden, who summoned Waldo into his office.

“Waldo,” he said, “I’ve seen your work, and I’d like you to do some work for me. My wife is having the kitchen redesigned, and we’d like you to build a couple of new cabinets, and maybe squeeze in a couple of extra counters near the stove.”

“No way!” said Waldo.

“But why not?” objected the warden

“Do you think I’m crazy?” said Waldo. “Counter fitting is why I’m in here in the first place!”

_____________________________

Jail’s are also the source of much black comedy. Below is a literal example of “gallows humor” that I first heard from Groucho Marx:
____________________________

The engineer had been convicted of murder in a small Western town. The townspeople erected a rickety gallows overnight outside the jail cell as the prisoner watched.

The next day, the condemned man was lead up the thirteen shaky steps to his doom. He stood on the wobbly platform as the noose was put around his neck.

“Have you any last words?” the sheriff asked.

“Yes,” said the prisoner. “I don’t think this damn thing is safe!”

____________________________

The following joke is unique, to my knowledge, in that it has four different punch lines:

The new chaplain of a jail is being shown around the facility. At lights out, voices start singing out from the cells.

“Forty-five!” says one voice. All of the prisoners laugh uproariously.

“Seventy-two!” yells another. Again, there are gales of laughter.

The chaplain is baffled. He turns to the warden. “What’s going on?” he demands.

“Oh, it’s simple,” replies the warden. “All the prisoners have been in jail for so long that they all know the same jokes. So they’ve numbered them all. Instead of
telling the whole joke, they just yell the number. And everybody laughs.”

“That’s amazing,” says the chaplain. “Do you mind if I try?”

“Go ahead!” says the warden.

The chaplain yells: “Thirty-two!”

The cells erupt in appreciative laughter, which eventually dies down. Except for one cell, where the occupant is doubled over with laughter. It goes on and on.

“I don’t get it,” says the chaplain. “’Why is he still laughing?’

“Oh,” the warden. “I guess he never heard that joke before.”
OR
The chaplain yells: “Thirty-two!”

There is total silence.

“Why aren’t they laughing?” demands the chaplain.

“Heck,” says the warden. “You told it wrong!”

OR

The chaplain yells: “Thirty-two!”

There is total silence.

“Why aren’t they laughing?” demands the chaplain.

“Heck,” says the warden. “I guess they didn’t expect to hear that kind of a joke from a man of God!”

OR

The chaplain yells: “Thirty-two!”

There is total silence.

Why aren’t they laughing?” demands the chaplain.

“Heck,” says the warden. “If you can’t do accents, you shouldn’t tell dialect jokes!”

Spider's Game Initial Tally

Well, fellows and girls, the Spider’s Game contest has come to a close—or has petered out, anyway. There were some remarkably silly entries—I’m proud of you!

Here’s a tally of the entries, as of July 31, 2010.

Dr. Jay: 31 (plus five tentatively disallowed)
Mittleman: 20 (plus two tentatively disallowed)
JMeltzer: 12 (plus seven tentatively disallowed)
Jerry: 12
Alex: 8
Bensburg: 8
Risa: 5 (plus one tentatively disallowed)
M Bowen: 2
Katie: 1
David Frankel: 1


Please check your entries below, to make sure that you were credited with all your entries.

Right now, the following are in the running for worst (best) entry:

A face that launched a thousand ships is destroyed.
Bottom was disassembled.
A vegetable juice manufacturer is deviated.
A Banjo player is despicable
A dog with a hairlip is disembarked.



If you’d like to advocate for any of the above (or nominate another entry) feel free to do so.

BUT:
You folks left a number of turns unstoned.

• A Freedom Fighter is deliberated
• A Norwegian escort is dilapidated
• A hair stylist is departed
• A guide is detoured
• A banker is disinterested
• A tennis player is disadvantaged
• A polemicist is distracted
• An electrician is discharged
• A simple machinist is disinclined (plainly)
• A female impersonator is decamped
• A cowboy is deranged
• An actor is defamed
• A civil attorney is distorted
• A prospector is declaimed

And on and on.

Tell you what. I’m gonna give y’all another 72 hours (to 11:59 PM on August 3 EDT) to post as many new entries as you can, with no restrictions. We’ll have a final total then.


The Game So Far


DR JAY

A lexicographer is demeaned.
An exorcist is dispossessed.
An auto-body repairman is defended.
A journalist is depressed.
A racist if denigrated.
An East Asia expert is disoriented.
A distiller is dispirited.
A bride is dismissed.
A firefighter is distinguished.
A camp counselor is debunked.
A transplant surgeon is disorganized.
A relief pitcher is disclosed.
A child molester is disabused.
A podiatrist is defeated.
A melancholy Shakespearean prince is disdained.
a Shakespeare scholar is disbarred.
A fisherman is debated.
A detective is detailed.
A gravedigger is disheveled.
A judge who ordered busing is disintegrated.
An actor is displayed.
A Giants outfielder is dismayed.
A batter is distanced.
A Cowardly Lion is discouraged.
A face that launched a thousand ships is destroyed.
A public defender is displeased.
An Italian pimp is disputed.
A celebrity whose planned honor ceremony is canceled due to scandal is distributed.
A computer geek is detected.
A train engineer is distracted* (not really the right word)
A magician is districted. *
A prize bull is disseminated. * (duplicate of earlier entry)
A babysitter is distended.*
A fast-food worker in charge of serving the people waiting for their drinks is disciplined.*



JOSH MITTLEMAN
A jockey is destabilized.
Tony the Tiger is deserialized.* (I don’t believe ‘deserialize’ is a word’)
Bottom was disassembled.
An Earl is discounted.
Pregnant women are disseminated.
A Swedish auto manufacturer is devolved.
At the risk of being gruesome: A Cornellian is disgorged.
A racist politicians is denigrated. * (Duplicates Dr. Jay’s entry)
A medieval Irish scholar is distained.
An abbot is deprioritized.
A Hartford politician is disconnected.
A Yankee outfielder is dismantled.
A weaver is dematerialized.
A shoemaker is dissuaded.
A falsely attributed Shakespearean play is defoliated.
An Internet journalist is decompressed.
A girl scout is dispatched.
A restroom attendant is discommoded.
An Irishman is declared.
A herald is descried. (should probably be “decried”)
A wordgamer is deboned and demoted.
An advocate for adopting the metric system is deprogrammed. (I had to have this one explained to me)

JMeltzer
A weatherman is disgusted.
An event planner is dysfunctional. * (posted two or more entries in a row)
An incumbent Congressional election loser is dismembered.
A bankrupt company is discorporated.
A GPS is displaced (and especially so when the driver does not follow directions). * (posted two or more entries in a row)
A censored pamphleteer is distracted. * (posted two or more entries in a row)
A lost chiropractor is dislocated.* (posted two or more entries in a row)
Prince Rainier of Monaco was disGraced. * (posted two or more entries in a row)
Tattoo is deplaned.
A particle physicist losing his European fellowship is discerned.
A remake of "Maltese Falcon" with a new cast is disastorous.
A sloppy church musician is disorganized.
A crashed Olympic racer is deluged.
A kid spared his mother's awful cooking is delivered. * (duplicates Jerry’s entry)
Tattoo, after given food in the Fantasy Island cafeteria line, is deserving.
A malfunctioning word verification blogspot system is disparshed.
A Tin Man is disheartened.


JERRY
A lawyer is debriefed, of course!
A statistician is demeaned.
A skunk is distinct.
A dressmaker is depleated.
A lazy person is diseased.
A vegetable juice manufacturer is deviated.
A priest with the New York City Transit Authority receives disPennStation.
A civil attorney is distorted.
A vintner is deported
A farmer is distilled.
A diplomat is disconsolate.
A surgeon is delivered.



ALEX:
An illusionist is disappeared.
A private investigator is dislocated.
A bouncer at a club that serves alcohol is discarded.
A team player is disconcerted.
A tailor is dispatched, then.
A band that only plays music that other artists have already made popular is discovered.
A comic book artist who works between the penciller and the colorist is disinclined
A dog with a hairlip is disembarked.


BENSBURG:
A bridge expert is defenestrated.
A goose's butcher is dissipated.
A poll watcher is devoted.
A handbag maker is dispersed.
A cruciverbalist is dissolved.
A castle architect is demoted.
A Banjo player is despicable.
A dry cleaner is disdained,



RISA ROSENBERG:
An entomologist is debugged.
A model is deposed.* (was originally a plural, but she’s sleeping with the host)
A model-maker is deformed.
A logician is deposited
a puzzle is dissolved* (Duplicates Bensburg’s effort)



MICHAEL BOWEN
A pessimist is decanted.
A wildlife biologist is denatured.



KATIE:
A Factory worker is dismayed


DAVE FRANKEL:
A calculus professor is disintegrated.

Contest #2: Spider's Game

Q: If a priest is defrocked, what happens to a lawyer who is fired?
A: A lawyer is debriefed, of course!


That's the format for a punning game created by Spider Robinson. Spider is a pretty good science fiction writer with a REALLY good sense of humor. (See the previous blog entry "God is an Iron")

The game I call "Spider's Game" first appeared in one of his novels (Callahan's Lady, I believe). His characters reel off whole sequence of delightfully awful puns.

Now, I haven't got the book in front of me, but here are some other examples:

A statistician is demeaned.

A skunk is distinct.

A dressmaker is depleated.

A lazy person is diseased.

And two spectacularly bad puns:

A vegetable juice manufacturer is deviated.

A priest with the New York City Transit Authority receives disPennStation.

Well, that's the basis of our new contest: Create as many entries to Spider's Game as possible. There will be two prizes awarded this time around, one for the most valid entries, and one for the single worst (you know, best) pun.

Here are the rules (such as they are):

1) All entries are to be in the form "A(n) __________ is __________" All the descriptive words are to start with the prefixes "dis" or "de" and have to be real words.

2) Entries have to be a pun, rather than a real world example.

3) Only ONE ENTRY AT A TIME. Someone else has to post an entry before you can post a second entry. This is to encourage frequent posting, to prevent one person from hogging all the obvious entries, and to force return visits .

4) The contest will continue until the end of June 2010, or until there have been no new posts for 72 hours, whichever is later.

Friends and relatives are encouraged to enter, as are complete strangers. Decisions of Fearless Leader are (as usual) arbitrary and final.

Read, set, GO!

True Lazar Tales #2

Every once in a while, the Gods of Humor smile on you. When the forces of the Cosmic Ha come together. When the Universal Straight-Man echoes the Ultimate Question in your ear.

It doesn’t happen very often, so when it does, you’ve got to savor it.

I had one such experience more than 20 years ago, but I still cherish it.

The Time: 1988

The Place: A fancy hotel on Long Island. Indoor pool, bowling alley, spa, the works.

The Occasion: A corporate retreat for a Custom Magazine Publisher that will remain nameless.

It was a roundtable meeting, as several dozen journalists and editors gathered to discuss the future of magazine publishing (As it turned out, there wasn't one. But that’s another story). One of my colleagues announced that he had to leave the meeting to conduct a previously scheduled interview over the phone.

“My cell phone’s out of power,” he said. “Does anybody know where there are any pay phones.”

“On the main floor,” I volunteered. (I was more observant in those days.) ”There’s a whole bank of them right outside the bowling alley.”

My colleague looked a little concerned.

This was the moment when the cosmic forces aligned—though my colleague had no notion.

“This is an important interview,” he said. “Are you sure it’s quiet enough?”

“Quiet?” I said. “You can hear a pin drop.”

I don’t know if you’ve ever heard forty people all hiss at once. It’s tremendously satisfying.