What's funny? What isn't? And why do I never get a laugh when I tell that joke about the moose?

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

C is for California

(This is the third entry of 26 I’ll be writing in August. It’s a challenge to myself: to see if I can actually keep a daily deadline anymore. It’s been a long time since the old CSN days! )

I hate California.

I’ve only been there twice, but I hate California.

The people there are so smug and self-important. They act as though California was the only place that mattered, that the opinion of California people is the only thing that matters, that California is the most important place on earth.

Everybody KNOWS it’s New York.


A Nevadan, a Texan and a Californian are out riding on the range. The Texan pulls out a bottle of whiskey, takes a couple of gulps, throws the bottle in the air and shoots it.

“What are you doing?” demands the Californian. “That was a perfectly good bottle of whiskey!”

“Hell,” says the Texan. “In Texas there’s plenty of whiskey and bottles are cheap.”

The trio rides on for a bit, and then the Californian opens a bottle of champagne. He takes a couple of swallows, throws the bottle up in the air and shoots it.

“What was that about?” says the Nevadan.

“Hell,” says the Californian. “In California there’s plenty of champagne and bottles are cheap.”

They ride on a bit further and the Nevadan pulls out a bottle of Sierra Nevada Pale Ale. He takes a couple of swallows and throws it up in the air. He catches the bottle, finishes the beer and shoots the Californian.

“What’s going on?” demands the Texan.

“Hell,” says the Nevadan. “In Nevada we’ve got lots of Californians, but bottles cost a nickel!”

I’ve never quite understood why anyone would want to live in California—between the man-made pollution and the nature-made earthquakes, residents take their lives in their hands every day—and that’s without even getting on the highway.

I guess it’s true what Will Rogers said: When, during the Great Depression, hordes of Okies deserted Oklahoma for California, the average intelligence of both states went up.


Q: Why does California have so many actors, and New Jersey have so many toxic waste dumps?

A: New Jersey got first pick.


  1. Bostonians find this petty New York-California tiff mildly amusing.

  2. Yup, I once saw a cartoon of the U.S. or the world from a Bostonian point of view, published decades if not centuries before Steinberg's iconic "map."

  3. Yeah.

    You don't get true area snobbishness until you come here.

  4. I actually kind of like California. Unfortunately it's biggest problem is people like me moving out there.