A few months ago, I had to use a cane for a while.
It was nothing serious, but I had to use a cane for a while.
(Oh, okay. I had hurt my back. Which meant I had to lever myself out of my armchair, which hurt my right hip. And then, because I had to favor my right hip, I wrenched my left knee. And from there....I HAD TO USE A CANE, OKAY?)
Anyway...
I learned a number of interesting things during this time walking with a cane.
1) When you walk up a flight of stairs while using a cane, your pants fall down.
I don't know exactly why, but some unique configuration of physics and inertia combine, when one is struggling up a flight of steps, to pull your trousers down towards your ankles.
This is tremendously embarrassing--not to say revealing. But it does explain why elderly men always pull their pants up until the waistband reaches their armpits. It's so their pants don't fall down while walking up a flight of steps.
2) It is nearly impossible to pull your pants up with one hand.
Go on, try it. Stand up, adjust your trousers so that they’re somewhere around your hips—or perhaps just a bit further south. Now, put one hand on top of your head so you’re not tempted to cheat. Using JUST THE OTHER HAND, try to pull your pants up around your waist.
Can’t do it, can you?
(Not only that, but look at the spectacle you’ve made of yourself. I hope no one was watching.)
3) It is walking up a flight of stairs, with a cane, with your pants falling down around your ankles, that you find out who your friends really are.
Paul Murphy is NOT my friend.
On the other hand, a very nice man named Raul IS. I met him on the steps of the New York Public Library.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Jerry, didn't your mother warn you about letting "very nice men" help you with your pants at the NYPL?
ReplyDeleteAlso, please tell us what happens when you walk *down* a flight of stairs with a cane?
And finally, I think you've discovered the real reason why firemen wear red suspenders. (OK, probably ex-firemen, or at least on disability.)
Well, this was funnier than the moose joke.
ReplyDeleteHint: Jay and Jon aren't your friends, either.
ReplyDelete-Delf
Delf, OTOH, would immediately rush to your aid. If only so he could tell you "Suspenders, comma, wear your $%*&^*$." (;-)
ReplyDelete(Hi Delf, what's new?)
"Norman Krasna told me I didn't need them!"
ReplyDeleteJon, that's "Norman Krasna told me I need them like a centipede needs another leg." Or a cane that Mike Alexander made out of a toothpick while traveling around the world on his million-dollar sailboat.
ReplyDeleteOne of the two ads for cane companies currently displayed includes something called the "Alex Orthopedic Offset Adjustable Cane."
Word verification: "punspen" -- to use up all the good jokes so that there are none left when you really need one.
I AM your friend, I just don't like your pants.
ReplyDeleteI too am your friend, but I'm also walking with a cane and I can't pull YOUR pants up with one hand either!
ReplyDeleteAnd you'd better not try, Dave, even with two hands. Even if Jerry were still using the cane, he's still a lot bigger than you.
ReplyDeleteHmmm, all four ads below (and yes, Jerry, I clicked on all of them, you're welcome) are for walking-assist devices, and two tout them as "Hands Free." Sounds like just what both Jerry and Dave need. (Unless they just want to find new friends (;-).)
Freedom Leg Walking Brace
Walk w/ Zero weight on Injured Leg Complete Hands Free Mobility
FreedomLegBrace.com
Hands Free Crutch
Rent or Buy-sized for each patient Free Same Day UPS Ground shipping
www.GoodbyeCrutches.com
Word verification 1: "unfra" -- (1) beyond the visible light spectrum, but it's not clear in which direction. (2) the Next Big Thing in talk show hosts / publishing empire builders / Letterman Oscar introducees / presidential campaign jump-starters.
(As I probably asked at least some of the current readers of this blog back in ~January 2008, what's green and slimy and jump-started Obama's campaign? Answer: Okra Winfrey.)
Word verification 2: "infia" -- (1) also beyond the visible light spectrum, but it'll cost you to find out that it's longer wavelengths. (2) a secret society of criminals who rat out members of other secret societies of criminals. E.g. the Witness Protection Program.
You may have noticed this weekend that there are also very nice men on the steps of the Boston public library.
ReplyDelete