(This is the fifth entry of 26 I’ll be writing in August. It’s a challenge to myself: to see if I can actually keep a daily deadline anymore. It’s been a long time since the old CSN days!)
Q: Why do ducks have flat feet?
A: To stomp out burning forest fires.
Q: Why do elephants have flat feet?
A: To stomp out burning ducks!
Q: What’s big and grey and stomps out burning ducks?
A: Smokey the Elephant.
Q: What’s Smokey the Elephant’s middle name?
A: “The”
_________________________________
Yes, it’s the return of the elephant joke! Why? Well, to paraphrase Monty Python’s Flying Circus “It’s not easy to pad these things out to 500 words, you know.”
My family took a tour of the Tufts campus a few weeks back. (Somebody in my house is looking at colleges.) The guide, who described herself as a “rising senior” – even though she seemed to have both feet on the ground – spent some time telling us about the school athletic mascot: Jumbo the Elephant.
(Tufts is apparently a Division 3A athletic school. I believe this means that women are allowed on the football team, but only as wide receivers).
The guide seemed a bit embarrassed at having “the only mascot in Webster’s dictionary.” Or perhaps it was having to admit that Tufts players used to stroke the stuffed Jumbo before every game. (The elephant was donated by PT Barnum, who I think was trying to find any place that would accept a stuffed elephant. There’s a university born every minute.)
After a few decades of “stroking the elephant”, there was a fire at Tufts, and Jumbo was burned. For a few years, the team would rub the urn containing Jumbo’s ashes—which may actually be worse than stroking a stuffed elephant. Eventually, the school built a statue of Jumbo, and this marble elephant receives the attention originally lavished on the real Jumbo.
Unfortunately, Jumbo was an African elephant, and the statue is of an Indian elephant. Ooops!
________________________________
Q: What’s the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant?
A: An African elephant comes from Africa, and an Indian elephant comes from India, of course!
(YOU thought it was going to have something to do with athletics or competency at mathematics, didn’t you? For shame!)
Q: What do you give a seasick elephant?
A: Lots of room.
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a kangaroo?
A: Giant holes all over Australia!
___________________________________
It was a particularly dull day in the jungle, so the ants challenged the elephants to a game of soccer. It was a hotly contested game, tied at 0 – 0 in the 88th minute, when the ant striker broke away from his defender and ran towards the goal. Desperate, the elephant came up from behind and stomped the ant flat.
This drew an immediate red card, of course, and the ref berated the elephant: “You call that sportsmanship? What in the world were you thinking, squashing your opponent?”
“I wasn’t trying to squash him,” protested the elephant, “I was trying to trip him!”
______________________________________
One of the lasting myths about elephants is that they’re frightened by mice. A lot of folks think its ridiculous, but the folks on Mythbusters actually ran an experiment a few years back to discover the truth of the matter.
Guess what? Elephants ARE afraid of mice. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WpTSA_25wGE. And I mean, spinster leaping on top of a chair and swatting it with a broom scared of mice.
This seemed to surprise the Mythbusters a lot more than it did me. I don’t remember the source but somebody (maybe T. H. White?) pointed that men react to bugs just about the way elephants react to mice—and the size differential is about the same.
(I know a really dirty joke about an elephant and a mouse. I can’t post it here, but email me and I’ll tell it to you.)
_______________________________________
Q: Why did the elephant cross the road?
A: The chicken was on strike!
Showing posts with label elephant jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label elephant jokes. Show all posts
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Bits of Business
I'm sorry that this post is a little late. I hadn't intended that the Memorial Day weekend be a vacation for this blog...just lucky I guess.
Some business and observations that have piled up lately:
1) The winner of the Awkward Silence's Limerick Contest (which ended at the end of May) is the only person to enter: Dr J! Congratulations, DJ! You have shamed all the rest of the readers of this blog by writing...well, any limericks at all.
There is a prize for winning the first ever Awkward Silence contest!
From now on, the official award for all future contests will be called:
"The Dr J Award for Extreme Cleverness"!
That's right, Dr J will be immortalized in all future contests. That certainly worth waiting for, isn't it? (Hell, what do you expect when you win without any competition?)
2) Tipper and Al Gore are splitting up. I am trying my best not to descend into the gossip-fueled rubbernecking of this particular emotional train wreck. (Except to note that during the famous lip lock at the 2000 Democratic Convention, Tipper seemed a bit less than thrilled...)
However, it does remind me of a joke, which I suspect is actually a pretty valid analogy:
An elderly couple appear in divorce court, asking a judge to officially end their marriage. The judge looks over the documents, and then looks at the couple.
"I'm shocked to see people your age here at divorce court," says the judge. "Just how old are you, anyway?"
"I'm ninety-one," says the old man.
"I'm eighty-nine," responds the old woman.
"That's really amazing," says the judge. "And how long have you been married?"
"Seventy-one years," says the old man.
"Seventy-two," corrects the old woman.
"That's right," says the old man, "seventy-two years."
"You've been married for seventy-two years and you want a divorce NOW?" says the judge. "For Heaven's sake, why?"
"Because, Your Honor," says the old woman, "ENOUGH IS ENOUGH ALREADY!"
3) Time for me to start plugging Lunatic Fringe, New Jersey's Premiere Improv Comedy Troupe. As many of you know, I'm a founding member of the group, arguably New Jersey's oldest improv comedy group. (Not only have we been around for almost 14 years, but our average age is somewhere between 45 and death!)
Improv is a bizarre form of stream-of-consciousness comedy. I'll write more about it in a future post, but let's just say our tagline is "Comedy Without A Script and Without a Net."
Lunatic Fringe is wrapping up or 13th season with our final appearance of the spring at Pianos Bar and Grill in Bloomfield, New Jersey on Saturday, June 12. Tickets are only $12, and well worth it. Make your reservations at (973) 429-1527
Some business and observations that have piled up lately:
1) The winner of the Awkward Silence's Limerick Contest (which ended at the end of May) is the only person to enter: Dr J! Congratulations, DJ! You have shamed all the rest of the readers of this blog by writing...well, any limericks at all.
There is a prize for winning the first ever Awkward Silence contest!
From now on, the official award for all future contests will be called:
"The Dr J Award for Extreme Cleverness"!
That's right, Dr J will be immortalized in all future contests. That certainly worth waiting for, isn't it? (Hell, what do you expect when you win without any competition?)
2) Tipper and Al Gore are splitting up. I am trying my best not to descend into the gossip-fueled rubbernecking of this particular emotional train wreck. (Except to note that during the famous lip lock at the 2000 Democratic Convention, Tipper seemed a bit less than thrilled...)
However, it does remind me of a joke, which I suspect is actually a pretty valid analogy:
An elderly couple appear in divorce court, asking a judge to officially end their marriage. The judge looks over the documents, and then looks at the couple.
"I'm shocked to see people your age here at divorce court," says the judge. "Just how old are you, anyway?"
"I'm ninety-one," says the old man.
"I'm eighty-nine," responds the old woman.
"That's really amazing," says the judge. "And how long have you been married?"
"Seventy-one years," says the old man.
"Seventy-two," corrects the old woman.
"That's right," says the old man, "seventy-two years."
"You've been married for seventy-two years and you want a divorce NOW?" says the judge. "For Heaven's sake, why?"
"Because, Your Honor," says the old woman, "ENOUGH IS ENOUGH ALREADY!"
3) Time for me to start plugging Lunatic Fringe, New Jersey's Premiere Improv Comedy Troupe. As many of you know, I'm a founding member of the group, arguably New Jersey's oldest improv comedy group. (Not only have we been around for almost 14 years, but our average age is somewhere between 45 and death!)
Improv is a bizarre form of stream-of-consciousness comedy. I'll write more about it in a future post, but let's just say our tagline is "Comedy Without A Script and Without a Net."
Lunatic Fringe is wrapping up or 13th season with our final appearance of the spring at Pianos Bar and Grill in Bloomfield, New Jersey on Saturday, June 12. Tickets are only $12, and well worth it. Make your reservations at (973) 429-1527
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Remember Elephant Jokes?
Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with peanut butter?
A: An elephant that sticks to the roof of your mouth.
Ahh, elephant jokes. Silly, childish, repetitive...and everybody loves them.
Q: How do you get an elephant in a palm tree?
A: Sit it on a coconut and wait 20 years.
The sheer repetition is part of the fun....just how long can you string out jokes about elephants?
Q: Why do elephants have flat feet?
A: From jumping out of palm trees.
The answer is: "A long time" especially if you can remember back to your childhood.
Q: Why shouldn't you walk in the jungle between two and four in the afternoon?
A: Because that's when elephants are jumping out of palm trees.
In fact, a lot of elephant jokes aren't actually about elephants at all...you can consider the elephant to be nothing more than "a silly joke delivery system."
Q: Why are pygmies so short?
A: Because they walked in the jungle between two and four in the afternoon.
When I was growing up, there was a book called "101 Elephant Jokes". I think I memorized that book, and I think I still remember most of them today.
Q: What do you find between an elephant's toes?
A: Slow running pygmies.
In any event, all of these jokes are from memory.
Q: How can you tell if there's an elephant hiding in your refrigerator?
A: You can see his footprints in the Jell-O
(By the way, if anybody knows if I can find a copy of that book, I'd be most grateful).
Q: Why are elephants big, grey and wrinkled?
A: Because if they were small, white and smooth, they'd be an aspirin.
Anyway, I can't even begin to explain my lasting affection for elephant jokes...
Q: What's the difference between an elephant and a grape?
A: They're both purple, except for the elephant.
In fact, you're probably an elephant joke fan, too. At the very least, you've snorted a time or two...maybe even a full out laugh.
Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming down the path?
A: "Here come the elephants coming down the path!"
I don't want to make this a competition like the limericks (which is still being won by Dr. Jay unopposed...) but if you'd like to post some elephant jokes, you're encouraged to do so.
Q: What did Jane say when she saw the elephants coming down the path?
A: Here come the grapes coming down the path! (she was colorblind)
Just for fun, though...no fair looking at the various elephant joke web sites out there (and there are an appalling number). Elephant jokes from memory, or make them up yourself!
Q: What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?
A: Time to get a new fence!
On your mark, get set, go!
A: An elephant that sticks to the roof of your mouth.
Ahh, elephant jokes. Silly, childish, repetitive...and everybody loves them.
Q: How do you get an elephant in a palm tree?
A: Sit it on a coconut and wait 20 years.
The sheer repetition is part of the fun....just how long can you string out jokes about elephants?
Q: Why do elephants have flat feet?
A: From jumping out of palm trees.
The answer is: "A long time" especially if you can remember back to your childhood.
Q: Why shouldn't you walk in the jungle between two and four in the afternoon?
A: Because that's when elephants are jumping out of palm trees.
In fact, a lot of elephant jokes aren't actually about elephants at all...you can consider the elephant to be nothing more than "a silly joke delivery system."
Q: Why are pygmies so short?
A: Because they walked in the jungle between two and four in the afternoon.
When I was growing up, there was a book called "101 Elephant Jokes". I think I memorized that book, and I think I still remember most of them today.
Q: What do you find between an elephant's toes?
A: Slow running pygmies.
In any event, all of these jokes are from memory.
Q: How can you tell if there's an elephant hiding in your refrigerator?
A: You can see his footprints in the Jell-O
(By the way, if anybody knows if I can find a copy of that book, I'd be most grateful).
Q: Why are elephants big, grey and wrinkled?
A: Because if they were small, white and smooth, they'd be an aspirin.
Anyway, I can't even begin to explain my lasting affection for elephant jokes...
Q: What's the difference between an elephant and a grape?
A: They're both purple, except for the elephant.
In fact, you're probably an elephant joke fan, too. At the very least, you've snorted a time or two...maybe even a full out laugh.
Q: What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming down the path?
A: "Here come the elephants coming down the path!"
I don't want to make this a competition like the limericks (which is still being won by Dr. Jay unopposed...) but if you'd like to post some elephant jokes, you're encouraged to do so.
Q: What did Jane say when she saw the elephants coming down the path?
A: Here come the grapes coming down the path! (she was colorblind)
Just for fun, though...no fair looking at the various elephant joke web sites out there (and there are an appalling number). Elephant jokes from memory, or make them up yourself!
Q: What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?
A: Time to get a new fence!
On your mark, get set, go!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
