P is for Pets

“Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
 Groucho Marx

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Pets are funny for a couple of reasons: first because they behave like humans, and second because they DON’T behave like humans.

We laugh with recognition when a beloved pet tries to “use” the computer, or shows an “almost human” awareness. On the other hand, it also amuses us to see how little a canary cares about money, or how a cat spills water on electronics. (I'll tell you all about it later.)

I haven’t the statistics on tap, but seems pretty obvious that where many animals were originally domesticated to work for humans, those jobs are mostly done by machines today. Those domesticated animals are mostly kept as pets.

Yes, that’s right, animals were thrown out of work by automation.

The life of the wild animal versus the pet is particularly important to moralists and to folks like the people of PETA.

Wild animals need to hunt for every meal and a safe place to sleep. Pets are well fed and have a warm place to sleep (unless they’re fish, in which case they don’t want a warm place, and may not even sleep—I’m not sure.)

Wild animals are always in fear of whatever animal is higher up on the food chain. Pets don’t have to worry about predators—but on the other hand, they are frequently spay or neutered.

Let’s call it a wash.
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After some thought, a woman selected a parrot from the pet store. The pet store owner warned the woman that she was not the parrot’s first owner. He’d been kept for years by a navy man, and had learned some bad habits. Bluntly, the parrot swore, well, like a sailor.

Despite this warning, the woman brought Polly home.

Within an hour, the mail carrier came, delivering the post. The woman brought out Polly to meet the mail man.

“#$@@!” said the parrot.

The postman smiled, and left quickly.

“Now, Polly, that wasn’t nice,” said the woman. “You mustn’t talk like that.”
Later that day, a neighbor appeared at the door to borrow a cup of sugar.

“#$@%!” said the parrot.

The neighbor gasped, dropped her measuring cup, and fled.

“Polly, I don’t want to have to warn you again,” said the woman. “Nice birds don’t speak that way. Now, the pastor is coming to visit this evening…if you don’t mind your language, I’ll have to punish you!”

That evening, the pastor comes by. He rings the doorbell, and the parrot shouts out:
“#&^@!!!” said the parrot.

Well, that was it. The woman apologized to the pastor, grabbed the parrot, shoved it into the freezer and slammed the door shut behind the bird.

After about ten minutes, a timid knocking came on the door of the freezer. The woman opened the freezer door and found the parrot, shivering and dispirited, standing in there.

“I’m sorry I spoke the way I did,” said the parrot.

“Well, you should be,” said the woman.

“If I promise never to speak that way again, will you let me out?” asked the bird.

“Yes,” said the woman.

“Okay,” said the bird. “I promise.” The parrot hopped out of the cage and onto the woman’s shoulder.

The parrot stood silently for a few minutes. Then he cleared his throat.

“I understand why you locked me in the freezer,” said the bird.

“You left me no choice,” said the woman.

“I know,” said the parrot. “I’ve just got one question: What did the chicken do?”
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An elderly lady was walking down the beach one day, when she found a bottle. She rubbed the bottle, and a genie emerged.

“Thank you for freeing me,” said the genie. “You know, as a thank you, you get three wishes.”

“Three wishes, really?” said the old woman delightedly (she had apparently read very few fairy tales). “All right, my first wish: I wish I were young and beautiful again.”

The genie clapped his hands, and in a flash, the old woman was once again 23 years old, and she was absolutely ravishing.

“Second,’ said the woman. ‘I wish that I was fabulously wealthy.”

The genie clapped his hands, and in a flash, the woman has become the weathiest woman in the world.

“Third,” says the woman, “I want Tommy-boy, my beloved cat, to be turned into a handsome young man who is wildly in love with me.”

The genie claps his hands, and in a flash the woman’s spoiled Persian has been turned into a tall, handsome young man. The young man grabs the woman in his arms and kisses her passionately. Then, holding her faces inches from her own, he murmers: “Darling! Aren’t you sorry now you had me fixed?”

G as in Gorilla

This is the seventh of 26 columns I will be writing in August. It’s a kind of challenge to myself, to see if I can still meet a daily deadline. It’s been a long time since my CSN days!

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Q: Where does a 1200 pound gorilla sit?
A: Anywhere it wants to!
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For decades, I have been fascinated by gorillas. (Some folks say that there’s a family resemblance, but I think I’ve got somewhat more hair.) (Except on top.)

Monkeys aren’t all that interesting: they wander around in gangs and throw crap at each other—acting for all the world like a typical bunch of teenage boys.

But gorillas, on the other hand, are a little more sedate. They’re far more likely to sit around, picking fleas off each other and having sex. Unless, of course, something makes them angry, in which case they become a murderous, raging mob.

Rather like the typical viewers of FOX News.
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Q: Why do gorillas have such big noses?
A: Because they’ve got such big fingers!
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Koko was a gorilla taught to use American Sign Language by scientists. There was a hotly debated question about whether animals could really “use language,” whatever that means. Koko pretty much settled the issue when she learned to curse.

Even the great apes can’t be toilet trained, so many of the gorillas studied in the US wear, well, diapers. The ASL sign for “soiled” or “dirty” is (as modified for Koko in any case) is to tap one’s chin with the back of one’s hand. (Rather like an Italian American salute, only rotate 90 degrees).

One day, a visitor came into Koko’s lab, only to accidentally stand on the gorilla’s doll. Koko was infuriated, especially when the visitor didn’t move. She finally signed (as translated by one of her trainers): “Get off of dolly, you dirty man.”

(There’s also film of Koko, one evening after everyone had gone home, swinging in a bored manner from her favorite tire swing, and idly tapping her chin. She was spending a lonely evening at home cursing to herself: “Dirty. Dirty. Dirty. Dirty. Dirty….”)
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I don’t think much of this joke myself, but it seems to be the most popular gorilla joke on the Internet:

One day, a man comes home from work to find a gorilla perched in the tree outside his house. Naturally, he calls animal control.

Within the hour, an animal trainer arrives in a big, white-panel truck. He unloads his equipment, including a long stick, a pit bull, a net, and a shotgun.

“What’s all that stuff for?” demands the man.

“It’s simple,” the trainer explains. “I climb the tree and poke the gorilla with the stick. This will tickle the gorilla until it laughs and loses its grip. When it falls to the ground, the pit bull will grab the gorilla where it counts. While the gorilla is thus immobilized, I jump down from the tree, throw the net over the great ape and the problem is solved.”

“That makes sense,” says the man. “But what’s the gun for?”

“That’s for you,” says the trainer. “If I should fall out of the tree first—SHOOT THE DOG!”